Lets set the story. Things are going amazing and in the best direction that both me and my husband could have ever wanted. We became engaged and everything for our wedding fell into place in a short seven months. My husband and I were able to have the wedding of our dreams followed by the honeymoon of a lifetime (Maui was amazing and I’d suggest that if you can go there someday you should!). We knew that we wanted to start a family as soon as the vows were made. I began my prenatal vitamins that summer because we wanted to plan for the future. Then it happened!! A short couple of weeks after our honeymoon we received the best news.We were pregnant! (Whoah in the first month of trying! How did we get so blessed?!)
We went to our first ultrasound at 8 weeks. We see a nice strong heartbeat and we decided to share the news with the world. Why not? Everything’s going amazing and I’m feeling great.

Then comes the 10-week appointment. Still feeling great and we went in knowing we could finally hear the heartbeat and discuss the future tests and procedures that we would have to do with my doctor. However, nothing showed on the doplar. Neither the doctor or I were concerned as it was early and the doplar doesn’t always work that early. To ease our worries we advocated getting a sonogram just to see the heartbeat before our appointment that would be a few weeks later. There we are. Getting the ultrasound and I ask the tech if I can see the heartbeat (why wouldn’t I be able to? I saw it at 8 weeks). The tech responds that with this scan she isn’t allowed to show me anything and that I will return to my doctor’s office after it’s finished.

I should’ve known that was a bad sign…

I return to the doctor to receive the news that I was having a missed miscarriage. No symptoms. The baby stopped growing a few days before and no longer had a heartbeat. We were crushed! I was given my options and went in for a d&c a few days later. Losing that baby had to be one of the hardest things I had ever gone through. I asked the doctor if I needed to do tests but 1 in 4 women have a miscarriage. Many women never have a second one.

Therefore, no tests would be deemed necessary as they are so commonly a one-time occurrence.

Fast forward three cycles. There we were. The nice pink lines that said its finally happening! We are going to be parents in November. More pregnancy symptoms and feeling great.

The day of the first ultrasound is here. I feel so uneasy that I don’t even want to go. My husband had to stay in the car because of COVID-19. In I go. We begin the ultrasound and guess what… silence. The tech says I can’t show you anything you have to wait for your doctor. (Are you kidding me?).

Turns out there is only an empty gestational sack. Come back in a week to measure for growth in another ultrasound. (That’s not relieving at all when you know when you ovulated or when you had your positive test). Anyhow, I tried to cope that the news was going to be bad but also had some hope that somehow it would all be okay.

Next ultrasound they think they see growth but they schedule me again another week later to confirm that it really is another missed miscarriage with, yet again, another ultrasound (Week to week of heartbreak happening here). Once confirmed I chose to miscarry at home.

Miscarrying at home wasn’t a horrible experience as far as pain, except for the bodies natural reaction to pass out and in turn, scare this shit out of my husband (Excuse the language, it’s really a screwed up experience), oh and the fact that you have excessive bleeding and can’t leave the bathroom unless your amazing husband is willing to go get you women’s briefs (Hey honey, thanks for buying your new wife some women’s diapers. There isn’t anyone I would rather go through this garbage situation with. I love you).

Anyhow, a week later another ultrasound. Followed by the news of, hey that wasn’t enough to pass the miscarriage, do the pills again. Just great. Those were so much fun last week. Buy more diapers and get the prescription. We know what we are in for now. Follow up ultrasound and appointment with my doctor in a week.

What an experience. This is not at all what we expected in our life plans. Why is this happening to us again?

I never thought I’d be the 1 in 4. Then again to be even more unlucky to be the one with two consecutive miscarriages.

What’s next?

We are doing lots is tests and blood work. That’s a huge plus. However, we have to face the fact that it could come back that nothing is wrong and we don’t have any cause for why this has repeatedly happened to us.

Will it happen again? How many times can we go through this? For my husband and me, it is so very mentally wearing. For me, it is also physically wearing. My body doesn’t feel good through any of this.

What can we do? We have to rely on our faith.
Only God knows if and when this will happen for us and we will continue to pray and put our faith in him.

Believe me it’s not always easy to trust the process and sometimes I have to convince myself daily, but it’s the only thing we can do. We have a strong enough relationship with God that we can always get our mindset back to trusting in him. I’m so thankful for that.

As for me. I am strong but I am still heartbroken. I believe that all women should feel free to talk about their loss. To grieve their loss like any other loss of a loved one. You lost a baby, you lost YOUR baby, you lost a piece of yourself. Don’t ever feel that your pain isn’t valid.

Lastly, I’m not going to say it is easy to see baby announcements, pregnant women, newborn photos, and anything that specifically reminds me of the due date I no longer get to anticipate. However, I am so happy for all of them. I’m so grateful that they’re having healthy happy pregnancies, happy that they may be getting their rainbow right now, and happy that they will hopefully never endure what we have already. I can’t be resentful because I would never want someone else to go through this as we have. I’m happy for them even if deep down I hurt from our losses. That doesn’t take away from the happy blessings that are occurring around us.

I pray to trust God’s plan for us. I pray God will give us answers. I pray we won’t have another loss in our future. I pray that we will get our rainbow. I pray for all the women that are going through the same heartbreak.

I am thankful for my God, my marriage, my husband, my family, and my friends as they are the reason I stay strong. They are my support system.